I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
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