My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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