so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm really busy with my period
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