I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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