I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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