so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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