This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
