walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
