I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You took a bar mat shot.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
