her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
