That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
