Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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