i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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