I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Randomize
