Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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