he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
