He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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