Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There's always time for handjobs
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
