he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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