I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
