i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
