If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
