My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
