Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
