Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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