I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you inspire me to be a worse person
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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