Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
