im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
