just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
