You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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