the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Please don't give away my fajitas
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
