I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
