if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
