we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
