A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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