I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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