Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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