I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
