Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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