lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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