He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The Olympian is in my bed
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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