Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
