he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
