My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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