Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
