Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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