I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The ass gains better be worth it
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