good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
