Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
