Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
