i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I looked at my own cervix.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
